a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
