dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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