I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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