So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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