He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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