The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
