U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
