I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize