He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
