She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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