i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
