coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
