I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
