3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Terrible idea I love it
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
