So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
