genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize