you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
