i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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