Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
