I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
