Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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