also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
