mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
