if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
