she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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