I wannas sexs uuuuu
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How's work?
Spinning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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