omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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