I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
