I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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