Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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