I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
