im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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