When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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