you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
