I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
People in love make me want to vomit
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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