I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
