When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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