I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
