watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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