Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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