i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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