After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
