Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
