No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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