You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
