my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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