He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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