Betty ford says i'm here all night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
