There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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