Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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