Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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