I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
