so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
