at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
