I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
