She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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