Swine flu. Run for my life!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
