even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
