I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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